Soul Palace

Dee had told me, ages ago that my articles had lost its usual touch. It used to be heart felt, touching and made people reflect. And I knew since long time ago, what is the missing pieces…and where is the missing pieces. Just that I am too afraid to “travel” to that far away land, to find it.

My heart…and my spirit are the missing pieces. Use my heart? Can I? Will I? Maybe I can, let see if this is enough.

For 30 years, ever since I knew how to differentiate between good and evil. I have this thinking…this ideology. That the eyes are the window to one’s soul. Gestures, facial expression…in fact everything else can lie. BUT the eyes will never lie. No matter how good that a person had master his/her body language…no matter how good that someone is capable of faking and bluff the entire world. Eyes will always tell the truth.

May it be happiness, sadness, remorse, joy or fear…and even guilt. Its all written in it. The eyes are like a black book but with all its emotions and truth embedded in it. You can always look into a person’s eyes and know the truth.

Some of you, might be laughing right now. Some of you, must be shaking your head with disagreement. And maybe some of you, still agreed with me so far. For many years before this, I will too…agreed with you. But not now, not at this very instance…not anymore.

EYES…like any part of your body is capable of deception. Making you think the way, that it want you to think. Deceiving you, toying with you…let you imagine, what it want you to imagine.  Made ones think that being love when someone looked into your eyes and said “I love you”. Made ones think that the truth is being told when someone looked into your eyes and said “I am telling you, the truth”. And made ones think that the person who is looking into our eyes will never ever deceive us.

And one fine day when you realized that pair of eyes who had once looked into yours. The window of soul that had promised that will never lie to you. But that same pair of eyes had been deceiving you all along, the promises had never been there…that same pair of eyes are filled with lies…that same pair of eyes had let you think that everything is true. Tell me, my dear friends…how it make you feel now?

<ok…to be continue>

Its almost end of 2011. And its been exactly 10 years, I had almost forgot that experience that I had went through 10 years ago. The economic fluctation usually have a 10 year of peaceful period before it hit the next crisis. I felt my situation is like the economic crisis since its 10 yrs later that I am gonna experience the same exact thing again. Tho’ it is something that I had went through before, I do not know why it still doesn’t really feel that good. But then again, why should it feel good since its not a good situation, not a good outcome.

But guess, I know how to deal with it now. To face the world with a smile, to cover every sadness that the world need not know. But it really felt that being at this new place, had taught me how to sharpen my skill of being fake.

It is something that I had resist for the longest time. I always think that if this world had less a person who are fake, won’t it be good? I always think that I will not lie to people or to myself but here…30 over years of my life, things that I had not want to do before. I am doing now. I learn how to lie, fake and deceive…not that I want to but this job seems to require me to do so.

I really don’t like it a single bit but I am learning to be numb towards this feeling. If this is what it takes to be in this real world, I mean the corporate world. The only thingy that I know that I can be sad being here, being in this situation but once I walked out of the “door”, its another world. It felt like the door is a twilight between the real me and the fake me. I never thought I will ever come to this stage, never imagine that…maybe cos of this, its like eating me up right now. I felt sick to the stomach…really sick.

For years since…I cannot even remember anymore since when. It had always been…I taking care of other ppl. Thus far, there’s not a single person that had made me felt that he is capable of taking care of me.

Sometimes, I wonder if I’m too independent or what. Or simply, I reject the what I so called “weakness”.

But I do feel at many a times that I do want to have someone to lean on. Someone who is much stronger than me, in every sense. Do such person exist?

God taught me to be contented with what I have. And I’ve humbly accepted many facts in life. But it can be so tiring, the feeling is always about…I am always the strong one among all. Someone that many can lean on. Then if when I am weak, who I can turn to? The answer is always “I don’t know”

I’ve many friends with God’s blessing. If so, why do kept feeling this way? I’m consider quite successful in many sense. Then what do I lack?

God, can you tell me why do I feel this way again and again? What is eating me up? Can You please tell me, what is going on?

My heart is something that I have not know how to use it since 7 yrs ago. My soul is something that was lost since then. I knew it, all too well…the cause of it.

For several years, I had been trying to attempt to use my heart. But time and time, I withdrew and chose to use my brain instead cos it won’t be that painful. Without my heart, I can’t find my soul that made up my spirit.

I knew why I can’t write like before. Without the 2 vital piece that is critical, how am I gonna go back to paper and pen again?

Coming to this new workplace is no longer just about work, it seems like God put me here for a reason. Throughout this 1 year, think there is countless instances of ‘I used to be able to do that’ moment.

For the past years, I haven’t allow anyone to instruct or teach me. And nobody had been able to successfully challenge me. That’s what at least that I thought so.

But this time, I had this person whom is so persistent and my resistence literally shot out by multiple folds.

But lately, I realized that it seems like someone up there seems to be pushing me to go back to the past to find the key to the fortress of mine. The journey back is dangerous cos I do not know if I will be able to come back safely. But I had decided to let God lead the way. If it is His will to make this happen, He will make my journey safe…

Its a beginning of a rather scary journey…personal and at work. Its like somebody is trying to tie down the wall that I had built up for the longest time.

I know I need to embrace the change but I think there’s what made it more scary cos the last time that I allowed it, it didn’t turn out well. The feeling is like…you know some of the principles, you cannot erase and you still need to keep. But in the other hand, you need to think if the change that is introduce to you and fit it into your current principles or exchange it out.

In fact, my brain is in constant processing cos one part of the brain have to remind myself not to resist the change, another part need to absorb what is said and another part is trying to map it to logical sense so as to support the very first part.

I seriously need a break and “run away from human being” cos with my life still not sorted out from the 360 degree tumbling mode…introducing this “process” into my life right now, doesn’t seems to be a good timing…I know its necessary but I just need a breather first and hope when I come back…it will work like it always do. To put the tumbling mode behind me and gracefully embrace the change.

The tears had finally stopped and replaced by resentment. And I’m glad that I had listened to my gut feeling this time round. Remember my resistence towards him, for once…I listened to my gut feeling before it happened.

Though I cried but the pain also went off faster. Now the feeling is endurable, let’s put it to test now. And see if my heart is really dead

4th day already…it looks like the tears gonna dry up soon. Though not plenty full but yes I’ve still been crying. The words had not stop repeating…the images are still clear in my mind.

Whenever I close my eyes, the nightmare started and tears just flow. Think the 10yrs worth of tears had decided to give all back to me on 12 sept 2011. Or God had decided that its time to give me back the tears cos he knows how bad it is, this time.

My heart felt like those shattered glasses being step on again and again…till the stage that it is worst than a few piece of broken glasses.

I hope when I finally hit ground zero, it will finally be ok. But I dunno where is ground zero.

He finally broke my heart to pieces that will never be able to mend back again as long as I am in this place..

He scolded me cos of work, I can take it. But he used our personal talk against me in work, I cannot.

I cried for the fact that it is a matter close to my heart and cos its personal stuff. My heart hurts and this happened on Monday. I cried till Tuesday 5am and finally fell asleep and woke up at 7am to go to work.

Tuesday and today, I’m still crying whenever the words regarding our personal stuff rings in my mind again.

I dunno how to stop crying. Cos it really hurt that bad. I used my heart to treat you but you used it against me. I couldn’t help but cried cos it is my heart that you are hurting.

Congrat! You had finally managed to break a heart that had been always true to you.

My boss want me to write a list of things that make me happy and not happy in my job.

All cos I cannot withstand his constant nagging anymore. I just told him, can I don’t be a PM anymore…can put me back to BAU?

He asked me what is the difference between being a PM in my previous job and here. I didn’t really tell him. But I knew. I’m not myself here. I’m so used to speak my mind. So used to, not pretending. So used to being in control. But all these, cannot be fulfilled here.

Here…I had became the greatest pretender. The ultimate liar. A person that I do not understand. But all these cannot be told to him.

I don’t how to write the list cos its gonna be list half filled with lies. I just thought maybe I should just give him, my resignation letter instead. Guess that will be easier.

As days goes by, I see history unfold itself. Though this time round, I didn’t did what I used to do…I mean I didn’t put in whole of my heart. I didn’t put in any effort to begin with.

I am not sure if I should say that history had repeated cos I am not sad cos of the present. I’m sad cos what had happened in the past that had hurt me too much and seeing it ‘somehow’ repeating in real life as if I’m watching a recorded film, like a sad movie. I can’t help but felt like crying

But tears had never come easy to me…come to think of it, its been 10 yrs that my tears had been robbed away from me.

Every time when sadness overwhelm me, I can say I hate it. Cos tears won’t drop but I just have this indescribable heartache…it wrecking till some stage that I literally can’t breathe.

Sometime, I wish I can turn back time and erase all those things that had robbed away my naive-ness. Maybe if those things that had not happened, I could have been a happier me. Not this tough and yet vulnerable