My heart…and my spirit are the missing pieces. Use my heart? Can I? Will I? Maybe I can, let see if this is enough.

For 30 years, ever since I knew how to differentiate between good and evil. I have this thinking…this ideology. That the eyes are the window to one’s soul. Gestures, facial expression…in fact everything else can lie. BUT the eyes will never lie. No matter how good that a person had master his/her body language…no matter how good that someone is capable of faking and bluff the entire world. Eyes will always tell the truth.

May it be happiness, sadness, remorse, joy or fear…and even guilt. Its all written in it. The eyes are like a black book but with all its emotions and truth embedded in it. You can always look into a person’s eyes and know the truth.

Some of you, might be laughing right now. Some of you, must be shaking your head with disagreement. And maybe some of you, still agreed with me so far. For many years before this, I will too…agreed with you. But not now, not at this very instance…not anymore.

EYES…like any part of your body is capable of deception. Making you think the way, that it want you to think. Deceiving you, toying with you…let you imagine, what it want you to imagine.  Made ones think that being love when someone looked into your eyes and said “I love you”. Made ones think that the truth is being told when someone looked into your eyes and said “I am telling you, the truth”. And made ones think that the person who is looking into our eyes will never ever deceive us.

And one fine day when you realized that pair of eyes who had once looked into yours. The window of soul that had promised that will never lie to you. But that same pair of eyes had been deceiving you all along, the promises had never been there…that same pair of eyes are filled with lies…that same pair of eyes had let you think that everything is true. Tell me, my dear friends…how it make you feel now?

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But guess, I know how to deal with it now. To face the world with a smile, to cover every sadness that the world need not know. But it really felt that being at this new place, had taught me how to sharpen my skill of being fake.

It is something that I had resist for the longest time. I always think that if this world had less a person who are fake, won’t it be good? I always think that I will not lie to people or to myself but here…30 over years of my life, things that I had not want to do before. I am doing now. I learn how to lie, fake and deceive…not that I want to but this job seems to require me to do so.

I really don’t like it a single bit but I am learning to be numb towards this feeling. If this is what it takes to be in this real world, I mean the corporate world. The only thingy that I know that I can be sad being here, being in this situation but once I walked out of the “door”, its another world. It felt like the door is a twilight between the real me and the fake me. I never thought I will ever come to this stage, never imagine that…maybe cos of this, its like eating me up right now. I felt sick to the stomach…really sick.

Sometimes, I wonder if I’m too independent or what. Or simply, I reject the what I so called “weakness”.

But I do feel at many a times that I do want to have someone to lean on. Someone who is much stronger than me, in every sense. Do such person exist?

God taught me to be contented with what I have. And I’ve humbly accepted many facts in life. But it can be so tiring, the feeling is always about…I am always the strong one among all. Someone that many can lean on. Then if when I am weak, who I can turn to? The answer is always “I don’t know”

I’ve many friends with God’s blessing. If so, why do kept feeling this way? I’m consider quite successful in many sense. Then what do I lack?

God, can you tell me why do I feel this way again and again? What is eating me up? Can You please tell me, what is going on?

For several years, I had been trying to attempt to use my heart. But time and time, I withdrew and chose to use my brain instead cos it won’t be that painful. Without my heart, I can’t find my soul that made up my spirit.

I knew why I can’t write like before. Without the 2 vital piece that is critical, how am I gonna go back to paper and pen again?

Coming to this new workplace is no longer just about work, it seems like God put me here for a reason. Throughout this 1 year, think there is countless instances of ‘I used to be able to do that’ moment.

For the past years, I haven’t allow anyone to instruct or teach me. And nobody had been able to successfully challenge me. That’s what at least that I thought so.

But this time, I had this person whom is so persistent and my resistence literally shot out by multiple folds.

But lately, I realized that it seems like someone up there seems to be pushing me to go back to the past to find the key to the fortress of mine. The journey back is dangerous cos I do not know if I will be able to come back safely. But I had decided to let God lead the way. If it is His will to make this happen, He will make my journey safe…

I know I need to embrace the change but I think there’s what made it more scary cos the last time that I allowed it, it didn’t turn out well. The feeling is like…you know some of the principles, you cannot erase and you still need to keep. But in the other hand, you need to think if the change that is introduce to you and fit it into your current principles or exchange it out.

In fact, my brain is in constant processing cos one part of the brain have to remind myself not to resist the change, another part need to absorb what is said and another part is trying to map it to logical sense so as to support the very first part.

I seriously need a break and “run away from human being” cos with my life still not sorted out from the 360 degree tumbling mode…introducing this “process” into my life right now, doesn’t seems to be a good timing…I know its necessary but I just need a breather first and hope when I come back…it will work like it always do. To put the tumbling mode behind me and gracefully embrace the change.